***SAFETY ALERT*** Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer.

Time Heals All

It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep. Gosh, have not had a sleepless night like this in a long time. Almost forgotten about them, but then something like tonight happens and it all comes crashing back. “Time heals all”…hmmmm, it’s not that simple.

Time. What exactly does time do? This is a good one because the countless “time heals all” phrase has most certainly popped up with the “just focus on the positive” and “you should be lucky to be alive”…“give it time”. Honestly, I’m not trying to sound negative. Those who truly know me, know that I do my very best to stay positive and make good choices and lead a life that I can be proud of. I’m ambitious, yet love my couch potato days. I’m a hard worker, yet I have let the laundry or dishes pile up. I’m a perfectionist, yet I make mistakes every day.

So again, what exactly does time do for you? It gives you the opportunity to reflect. Reflect on your past, while living in the present, then try to figure out how to make a different future. But does time actually heal the past? Is it supposed to disappear? When I imagine something healed…I imagine it being gone. What time does is help you cope with your past. It helps you find a way to make yourself whole again…unfortunately you need these parts of your life to keep “you” whole. Yes, it’s after 3 am and I’m wide awake, feeling like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders, tears just slowly creeping out with an overall general feeling of blah…but if it weren’t for these pieces of me from my past that have caused sooo much pain, I wouldn’t know how to help others who feel alone and helpless because the ones they love have abused and abandoned them. So without these otherwise painful pieces of my life, I wouldn’t be me!

It’s hard to go through the challenges in life and then it makes it harder when you have the glares or avoidance from people you thought were part of your support system. To hear from those that you love the harsh and insincere words like, “you’re not taking advantage of being alive” or “you should be lucky to be alive…there are many other women that weren’t so lucky”. The worst has been, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson”. So I’m not just dealing with the tragedy of losing that which was most precious, I have to deal with the fact that people just truly don’t understand and say, well, the stupidest things and well…keep “time from healing”. Just when you thought your wounds were healing, BAM they’ve been cut open again and again and again.

So here we go again, “time”. Exactly what has time has given me? It has given me the strength to step outside of my shoes so that I can begin to understand why people do or say these, well, stupid things. I’ve learned so far that they have yet to live their lives and allow time to help them understand their past in order to change their future. They end up saying the stupidest things because they have yet found a way to let “time” help them move forward and deal with their past. Yes it hurts and is upsetting, that despite needing the strength to deal with my past, I must muster up the strength to deal with my present and also my future. Focusing on positive things in my life, living every moment better than the last, making better decisions, reach out to the people that bring out the best in me are just some of the things that have helped me keep pushing forward and brush off the not so nice things people say and do, calm my otherwise over worked mind, allow me to blog and share my life experiences in hopes of making someone else feel like they are human…but most of all, let those suffering understand that they are not alone.

After 545 days, tonight is one of those nights when it feels like yesterday. Missing my babies and well, the sick feeling inside of thinking how I could let all this happen. What triggered these feelings…just waking up in the middle of the night, wide awake. Yep, something so simple, yet so powerful. How can that be? By all means, I am grateful for this second chance to live, but at this moment, it’s…well, about “being human”.

I continue to pray that the Lord helps those find the strength to cope with their past and soften their otherwise harden hearts. So they too can in turn help others in need of some “time to heal”…after all, whether we want to accept or not, we need each other. We need compassion, we need to know that when times are tough and we are weak…we can turn to those, especially the ones we hold close to our hearts, and lean on them.